Happy Birthday To ME!!!!

I'm fucking old, I make my way into Rite Aid to find the cheapest way to make my wrinkles disappear. I stare into the mirrors and convince myself " that was always there" No, it actually wasn't. I'm deathly afraid of aging. I always ask people their ages and compare my visible wrinkles to their visible wrinkles and tell my self that i look way better. I think the level of disillusion grows as you get older. I keep thinking some how that stuff will be magically reversed by sleeping just the right amount of hours, and not sipping on any more whisky. I've gotten so old that i don't even care if anyone remembers my birthday anymore. I use to shout it from the roof tops now i try to hide behind my hair. Shit, getting old sucks.

Patatas bravas

We walked all day, what seemed to be 10 or maybe even twenty miles. we were famished and looking for a good place to have a hearty meal. The occasion? Thanksgiving in Barcelona. We tried to see all the sites during the day of course, but we out did ourselves. what looked like short walks on the map turned into long misguided turns to streets we couldn't even find on our "guide to Barcelona", nonetheless we were determined. we had our end goal in sight and that was a feast.being typical Americans we got back to out meeting point just at the right time to have our dinner, our feast. sadly we found that everything was closed and would reopen in a couple of hours. So we kept walking, surely something would be open. We found a little cafe our typical American fantasy of a feast was minimized to patatas bravas, paellas, and vino tinto, It was delicious. probably one of the best Thanksgiving meals i had ever had. The company, setting, and just the people and culture around made it one of the best experiences of my life. Sorry America, BBQ, gravy, mashed potatoes, and turkey just don't cut it for me anymore.

Flashbacks of a Life Once Lived

Its as if i was living in a parallel universe. i might as well had of been seeing where i am now. Putting up with things and people that i cant stand but do because loneliness takes over.



I once lived in a place where i could get one of the best bottles of wine for 5 dollars or a cappuccino for $1.50. A place filled with so much history and culture. It was all around, I could touch it with my fingers and see it with my eyes. It was in the buildings, in the color of the food and inside the vino rosso. I could even hear the pride of their culture in their tongues. It's been a year since i've lived in my paradise. To say that i miss being there is an understatement. I hope to return but in the meantime here are some pictures to hold me over. The picture right above is of my old roommates and I in a square in Firenze, Italia.

For a second there...

i thought it was you. The same pretty face, pensive eyes, same shoulders, and body. For a second there i couldn't breathe, my heart jumped into my throat. I thought for a second you had read my thoughts. Maybe you knew how much i still wanted to see you, maybe you felt how much i miss talking to you, and then reality struck.
Why would you be at a pool in Portland? You hate Portland. Why would you be surrounded by screaming kids? It's amazing the thoughts and feelings that come into mind within a split second.
It doesn't matter. I know what you have going and i know how you feel. Your tone and the sound of impatience from our last conversation still echoes in my ear, it still stings. The tone and irritation acts like an infection, crawls into my brain , catches a ride with a red blood cell, and travels south to my heart and takes refuge. It doesn't spread it's milder than i thought, but it's still implanted there. An implantation that i don't want. It causes problems, hallucinations of you being in a pool surrounded by children.

body poisoned

I'm sorry body, i've just poisoned you. All that fat is now being digested and pumped into all the major organs. I'm sorry that i do this to you. I'm sorry i don't take better care of you. I have tried and succeeded for a bit, but time, people, things have bogged me down. Now i feel forced and driven to hurting you. Sometimes i can't stop and find myself faced stuffed and crumbs stuck to the side of my mouth and face. I look around to see if there are any witnesses but there are none. Thank God, i am the only one that has to see myself in this gluttonous state. I will now excrete the poison and tomorrow is a new day. With many new possibilities to make you better and stronger.

to throw a pall over

I want to take a breath but can't
It burns
I'm almost choking
The action of convulsion almost takes over
I stop myself
Just a little more i tell myself
Just a few more seconds and then
A quick breath just to let my brain know not to shut anything down
I exhale to keep the burning and liquid from seeping in
My arms begin to drag
Like a wind mill but with no power
A motorboat i think
Flutter like a motor boat
Your legs will carry you through
But they don't
I've been cut off
I'm not strong enough
I reach i twist
I extend as far as i can
My chest moves up and down
My lungs act as if it's the last breath they will ever take
I try to catch my myself
In through your nose and out through your mouth i keep thinking
And then
Again, and again, and again
The process of almost choking and limbs losing control starts again
But i return day after day
Why is it?
Why is it that i return to the anguish and pain, and disheartening?

i wish you would show me that side of yourself
i've known you for too long to keep secrets
i'm sorry that you have to feign our and your existence
i will finally show you empathy even after all the berating
there's no hiding anymore
i'm getting close

Spider Webs

I almost gave in. I almost dialed. Weekends are hard for me, seeing that i have no money, I'm anchored to the homestead. After surfing the web for hours and watching movies I get anxious and bored. I can't take anymore rejection for the moment.

The good thing is that I'm learning patience and ignoring the anxious, compulsive, and insecure part of my personality. I knew that whatever would of happened wouldn't of been conducive. I would of started to go over every detail and part of our conversation that is if you decided to take my phone call. I would of tried to decipher all words for secret meanings... do you still care about me? are u seeing someone? why didn't you make me your girlfriend?
Sometimes its best not to even ask those questions if your scared of the answers. Its like asking a lover about their past lovers, and how many they've had. I will never ask, too scared too insecure.
Ignoring me is probably one of the worst things you could ever do to me. I would rather be told to fuck off then to be ignored. So tell me. Tell me to fuck off.

Sometimes

After a while of rejection and nothing good coming my way i started to think that i wasn't going to get any kind of break. Life's kicking my ass. I have no money at all. I just had to sell a bunch of dvd's for some cash and i have no leads or call backs on jobs. So i've been feeling pretty gloomy. The one thing that makes me happy and gets my mind off all the bullshit is swimming, but even that has been a bit of a challenge. I've been swimming at this new club for about a month without paying any fees hoping that the scholarship that i applied for would be approved. Well just this morning i got an email saying that i was approved for all the coaching fees and membership fees. I'm sooo happy. It just made my week. It doesn't really help with my money situation but it does show that there are some good people out there willing to help you out and that see potential in you.

P.s the picture above is of Summer Sanders. When i was a kid i wanted to be just like her. She was in the Olympics and that was my dream. To swim in the PAN-AMS and the Olympics. Well i'm a little to old for that and a little to slow but it's still an inspiration.

ner·vous

I'm usually nervous, apprehensive, and feel guilty about school, but school is over. I don't have to go to the library, meet with any group members, or work on any papers. The usual suspect is dormant, but now im bored with nothing really to do and nothing to really look forward to.
I've been thinking about what home means to me. I use to always consider home as southern california, but now i see it as a nuisance and a problem that i now have to deal with. How is it a problem? Portland is now my home. I enjoy the lifestyle and people. weird coming from a girl that was obsessed with driving a Bentley, wanting to own a Ferrari and wanting fake breasts within a couple of years.
I feel bad for making my life here with my family down there. I can't tell my parents. they would be heartbroken, crushed that i would even think of staying here after graduation. The end is looming, and i don't mean death by any means, but growing up. The time is near and im fucking nervous.

kay

I'm okay and feeling much better. I'm pretty smart to. I just got an "A" in my finance class, a "B+" in my Consumer behavior class, and a "B+" in my Real Estate Development class. I'm stoked that is a 3.55 grade point average. I'm damn smart!! Now if only i could get a job, a boy to like me that i like as well and everything would be just perfect. Probably not but maybe....

creeper

i feel sick, hungry, confused and useless
i have nothing to do but sit and surf the web
im lazy but i really have nothing to do
i iced my eyes
hasn't helped with any kind of motivation

there's a buzzing coming from the street
im glad i wasn't awoken by it
i would feel so much better if i would just get up

i just realized that i could sit here for hours and hours without anyone knowing
i could sit here for days and avoid all contact from the outside
i could watch reuters, and hulu for as long as i wanted
and not a single person would know how creepy i am

This one's for you

Where did you go?
You've almost completely disappeared from the face of this earth.
Reading and electronic correspondence was the only way i knew you were still alive
I don't even have that now
What's happened?

Alone and nomadic as always
Leaving your mark without a care

Did you move from the arid to the tropical?
Will i ever here from you again?
Will you pop out of nowhere in a couple of months with stories of distant lands?

I've been thinking about this for a while and have wanted to post it for some time but never really found the time. Its not like i have tons of time now but it seems appropriate. I read this and i thought of you. So here it is. It's part of a book called Paris Trance.

Oh the paradox of nomadism
You keep moving because you're searching for a place to stay
Once you realize you can live in other countries you never feel quite settled again
You never feel quite content
But the idea is to feel at home anywhere and everywhere
The final thing above all is to be at home in yourself

pulling my hair out

So i'm really damn stressed. finals are lumming papers are due, and im trying to stay healthy. It's not working out for me. I started swimming again competitively, and i really like it. I can't really put my finger on why it makes me feel so good but it does. Saying that there was practice this morning and i really wanted to go to. Only problem is that it is at 5:15 in the morning which means i wake up at 4:30. I was all psyched last night. got all my stuff ready and went to bed relatively early.
I had really weird dreams about car detailing and guys that work there. I also dreamt that i was back in Italy eating Gelato. That part was wonderful.
4Am rolls around and there's no way in hell i'm getting myself up. As much as i fear getting fat my body just needed the rest.
So it is now 8am i have to write a paper about financial planning. I have a final tomorrow that i don't even know how to study for. I have a group power point presentation that none of us know what to do with, and i have no food in my fridge and no means to buy anything. All i got is spinach, coffee, and beans. I'm gonna try and live on that for the next week in half.
Oh and i almost forgot i have to pay the electric bill. Fuck me!

oh heart

If i really wanted to, i could go back and make it work. I can tell by the tone in his voice and by the things he says. He's just as arrogant perhaps even more, but now pompous, and dramatic.
He says " you don't love him as much as you loved me"
I don't want to burst that bubble of his. It's what keeps him going, silly and ridiculous illusions.

I scared a suitor off. Just by fingering a few illuminated buttons. I don't really care. I probably did it on purpose, subconsciously while sipping on that sweet elixir that makes my head buzz.

I never scared him off even with 20 harassing phone calls within a hour lapse of time. He listened but also hurled insults which stung my ears.

It's okay, i'll continue to be irrational and sit in solitude. Accompanied only by memories of the past and the sweet conversations that we once had.

Is it Vile or Bile?

Vile or Bile it all means the same to me. This blog would of been a lot better yesterday. I'm not as angry about it today. Nonetheless, Bile, Vile I guess my liver is having some problems. I attribute it to all the nights of wine drinking in Italy. Actually I'm not really sure if that is it but, I've always known that my body was going to fail me a lot earlier than expected.

I weighed 3 lbs 6 oz when i was born. It was a big deal then not so much now. They have all kinds of technology that they didn't have before. My parents thought i was going to die and i was in hospital for 3 months after my birth. Every once in a while when my mom gets really pissed at me. She yells " Do you know how much we suffered when you were born!! Do you know how much your hospital bills were? And this is how you treat us?" I just kinda laugh and say" but you still love me right?"
Well seems like i will be back to the beginning where all the poking, prodding, ripping, and piercing started. I don't remember any of it and glad for it cause it was a scary site. I've seen pictures and I looked awful. Tubes and tape all over my little body. My parents say I looked like a little rat and they couldn't even hold me properly because i would slip from in between their arms.
Anyways, I'm sick. I've always kinda of known my body was going to give up sooner then later. I've been fragile from the very beginning, except now I'll remember it all.

Blabbers

I understand that blogs are blogs. Nothing serious, but what really fucking bugs me is that individuals that state that they are aspiring writers, majors in journalism, literature, or English are not able to put together a proper sentence or an idea that makes any fucking sense, or for that matter can't spell. There's a spell checker!!! No reason for misspellings. Now i 'm not a writer or pretend to have any good ideas or stories to write about, but those of you that are please, please, please use the spell checker!!! And articulate a proper fucking sentence.

Maybe I'm being so stinky because my arm just got jabbed by a needle at the hospital( blood tests). I'm a fragile human being and you would think that the nurse would have sympathy for my tinny little vein, but no!! She just slammed that needle into my precious little vein and held it there. I can see a bruise forming that will be a reminder of her unkindness for the next weak. Blah Blah Blah.. Poor me...

She said what??!!?

I absolutely love curb your enthusiasm and Larry David. If you don't already know about this show, do yourself a favor and go down to your local movie rental spot and get yourself the first season.

I was in Barcelona a bit ago sitting in a hostel reading a magazine waiting for my roommate to get back from her walk. When i come across Tyra Banks'ugly mug. I can't stand her. She bothers me to the max, her face, interviewing skills, body. I can't watch any of her shows for more than a sec without vomiting in my mouth a little. The sentence that almost sent me into hysterics "I have a crush on him. I know he's single." WTF!!! That bitch said that she has a crush on fucking Larry David. I hope that stalker from Georgia gets his way with her. Actually no i don't wish that, but she does repulse me.

These days and my future

I can't do this to myself anymore. I keep saying, repeating it in my head over and over and over again but i don't listen. So i have another drink, trying desperately to be social, talk and smile. Be interested, ask questions, bop your head up and down. I'm trying to be enthusiastic about this band but can't too many shit heads, scenesters, and trendsters, wanting to be seen.
Staying up until 4am and waking at 9am isn't what a responsible young women should be doing. I'm too old for this shit, i know. I can see it in my eyes, but i don't care enough. The iced peas i hope will do the job and I'm hoping my genes will help me as well.
It will only be a little while longer until i graduate. Five more classes to be exact. I don't know if i will stay here or go back home to California. I've been noticing a lot of shit talking about California lately. I don't know why Portlanders hate California so much. Maybe cause it's always sunny there.
Future plans are always hazy.I use to think everything was very clear cut with my future. I once had a fiancee and conversations about marriage and children. I can't stress enough how happy i am now that didn't happen. Nonetheless i got fucked around, by who? or what? not sure. I'm thinking maybe God, laughing at me for trying to make plans for my "perfect future". I am now way behind the curve. It's okay, i tell myself i've learned a lot in the process. Yea i've learned a lot.

I'm thinking Buenos Aires next. I've heard good things.

2:53 in the am

Nothing good comes at this time in the morning i know but it seems like the perfect time. what enters into a persons brain at almost 3am? i'm gonna find out, mis-spelled and all. I'm gonna call someone that's the most that i understand from this, i feel like i almost owe it to myself. I'm in a trance. I look to my phone, someone should of texted or called but didn't oops i was suppose to text back, too late for that now. I'm gonna harass someone at this time at night and gonna regret it. Hmmm this is too fucking weird. I don't think i'm going to be able to get back to sleep, Clint Eastwood sounds tooo fucking good to me right now, Dirty Harry and all.

Stupidity at it's best

"The orange is sick isn't it?" I have to think a bit. I don't want to get "the look" or cause a scene. The last time i disagreed or said something inappropriate a vase flew past my head, and crashed into a bunch of triangle crystal pieces. Not to be out done, I returned the favor but with marble not crystal.
"Yea it's great" i say.
" Shit it's more than great. It looks mean doesn't it? Like it's gonna tear up the road." "Oh yea it looks ferocious, like an animal!! ha ha!!"
I'm hoping that he will catch the sarcasm but doesn't. He thinks I'm serious. This is the biggest mistake. "Yea i can totally do this. Have you seen anyone driving this car around in orange? Fuck no!! Look at the bull on the screen it just lights up."

I'm surrounded by pretentious salesmen trying to pretend like they don't care if they make a sale or not. They are utterly desperate but so is he. They've already pinned me as the gold digger. Any girl of my age seen with a man of his age could be nothing but. They were right to an extent. I've known him way before the bull. Just three years back he was driving a piece of shit and living in a apartment that reeked of mildew. I didn't care. He was easy on the eyes, caring, and patient. It was all a facade. After years and years it all unravelled. He wants to play "the game" with these guys. He says "I'm going to think about it." We drive home. I stare past the window look at the palm trees and beach it's beautiful but, i wish i was somewhere else with someone else. "Hey! Hey!" he says. "What's going on? Aren't you stoked about the car? Why do you always have to do this? Why are you so serious all the time?"
He didn't know i was keeping secrets, he didn't care just as long as i was agreeable and looked pretty sitting next to him. He didn't know how dead i was inside because of him and how stuck i felt.
"Yea the car is awesome. Why didn't you get it?"
He says "I'm going to have them eating out of my hand. They're gonna bring down the price. I can tell. They really want to sell it. Shit that car is so sick!! Fucking sick!!"
I can't bring myself to say it but i do. He needs it " Yea its sick." What 35 year old man says "sick" apparently this one. He needs this car. I know the reason behind it. He needs to feel wanted, noticed, and accepted by these shiteous people in this fucking town. He needs to have the blonde with fake breasts staring and noticing him. I know that's what he wants and he's going to get it. I know that it doesn't mean shit. I know that the blonde will talk him up, but i also know that it's for the car not him. I really use to love him without the car and the things. It's all gone now, dried up. I didn't belong to him anymore. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for his insecurities that drive him to such things.

I make our not so perfect dinner in the perfect kitchen, overlooking the perfect pool, with the perfect dog, and the perfect matching leather couches. We watch some variation of CSI. I hate these shows but he's content, so i sit and watch. His unnatural happiness is now comprised of what sits down stairs in his garage. I look at him he's smiling, not at me at the T.V. He isn't really smiling at what he's watching. He's smiling at the idea of what people now think of him. How am i going to get out of this? I think. How the fuck do i get myself out of this shit storm.

rambles

Hers' some random stuff that either pissed me off, induced some interest or made me kinda happy.

"what's up?" said the text. It's exactly 2:30 in morning. Whats up is that i was sleeping. I'm pissed. I love to sleep and I'm old, so my face and body doesn't recover as well as it use to. I cherish my sleep. "Hey" i text back, but what i really want to say is " wtf it's 2:30 in the morning! Who the fuck are u?" But i keep my composure cause I'm curious. " this is Blaine you probably don't want to talk to me but i just wanted to see how you were doing" This was a friend of mine that decided to abandon my dog while i was in California. I can't stand this douche and he also told people that we were an item. Which disgusts me to the fullest because he's fat and gross. A year later he decides to apologize. I don't respond. I might say something too fucked up.

I bought a couple of items at the dollar tree. Plates, mugs, hangers, you know the essentials. It brings me a lot of pleasure spending an hour or two sifting through shit that i don't need. I picked up this book that obviously just cost a dollar. It's called "A devils dictionary of Business". At the top its says "New York Times best selling author of Citizen Cohn" I have no idea what "Citizen Cohn" Maybe its some prolific business book that i should be aware of but not . I could look it up, but that would expend too much energy. It must be really sad to have your book sitting on the shelves of the dollar tree. Passed by individuals that probably don't even know or understand what a bond or stock is. I decided to get it. It now sits on my coffee table accompanied by a vanity fair mag and cycle trader. Whoever might pay me a visit will look at my book and perhaps think I'm serious about business or just be utterly thrown off by my choice of readings. I don't know why i care about that but i do. Then I'll flex my business knowledge muscle and tell them what i think about the "Bull market" and "Hedge funds" It will make me feel kinda smart. I'm lame i know.

I'm embarrassed to say that i just wasted two minutes of my like watching this semi-new "dance craze" called Tecktonik. It originated in Paris and is now sweeping Europe and will soon hit the United States. It is utterly ridiculous and actually quite hilarious for the first 30 seconds. Go check it out on Youtube if you want a good laugh.


I was sitting on the bench waiting for the street car, i turn my head for a sec and i see the most gorgeous guy i have ever seen in Portland (most people in Portland are not to good looking). He's blond 6ft something. I'm not usually into blonde's but I'll make an exception for this one. He jogs past me and there it is the most perfect ass in green spandex. I don't really check guys out especially not asses, but this one i couldn't help but stare intently. Twenty minutes later I'm walking home and i turn my head cause i hear a car or something and it's this 40 something year old guy doesn't interest me until he jogs by. He gave that twenty something year old ass a run for his money. I am now a firm advocate of men jogging in tight spandex shorts.

That Amercian Dream

I was in the car driving as usual. It was a Cadillac. A really big deal then, especially from where I came from. He was in the back seat reading a newspaper. Light turns red i stop. I look in the rear view mirror, he's cool. I'm suppose to protect this guy. From what? At the time i didn't know, i didn't ask. It was my job to keep this guy safe. He was the most dapper and well dressed man i had ever seen. He's the Brazilian Ambassador i'm the 22 year old bodyguard. The job was seemingly easy. He was good to our team. When he wasn't working and when i wasn't driving him around and watching the perimeters. He would let us take out the cars to go watch movies and pick up girls. Even when he had his cocktail parties he would have the servers bring us all kinds of food. I loved those nights.

I hear loud explosions shots fired. It's 11 in the morning. Seriously? I'm only a block away from our destination and from keeping him safe and my ass safe as well. We had a car behind us following. They get out of the car and surround us for protection. He's fine, I'm fine. I can't say the same for the Caddie. We drive slowly so that our men can jog along side the car. He went into hiding after that and well no more picking up girls in the Benzo. The next time i see him he's asking me if i want to go to Argentina with him. He says there would be a job for me if i wanted it. Why not, but he's also offering me a visa as a Political Refugee. Destination? The United States of America. I'm hesitant about this idea. I don't speak English and i like where i live. He assures me that it is the land of opportunity and well this country is only turning into shit so why not get out.

I was born in Brazil the middle child, well off for Brazilian standards. My father was a womanizer and my skinny relatively weak looking mother took care of us all. My dad had some kind of military position. I looked up to him. He put food on the table, clothes on our backs, and a place to live. I came home from school one day to find my mom, brothers, and all of our belongings in the street. An investment gone bad. I didn't ask too many questions. It wasn't my place to ask. Hours later my dad shows up and he's found us a place to stay with some relatives. After that we all got sent to different places. I never really got to see my dad as much, or my mother. I lived with one of my aunts. When i did see my dad he always asked how school was going. He always said " do well in school, no one can take away your intelligence." I took this to heart. I did really well in school. I wanted to make him proud. After a couple of years i was reunited with my mother and two brothers. My dad wasn't really in the picture anymore except for the economic aspect. He had a new wife and a new family. After graduating from high school i decided to join the military. That was for two years and that was fine. I got out and i tried to join the police force, but i was too short. I decided to take a construction job. It was the hardest manual labor i had ever worked. I left my house at 5am walked 5 miles to get to the bus, and then traveled for another hour to get to work by 7am. I worked until 8pm and got home around 11pm if i got lucky with the bus. My mother would always have a plate of food waiting for me no matter how late it was. My mother always saw how tired i was and how fucked up my hands got. She relayed this information to my father. He came to see me and asked "what i was doing?" He said that i was smarter and better than to be working in construction. I told him that i couldn't work at the police station because i was too short. He said not to worry to go down there in a week and to be ready to work. I'm guessing he still had some connections because a week later i was in uniform. I couldn't wait for my first paycheck. I wanted to get something for my dad and for the family. I wanted to show him that i was now a man. Unfortunately a day before i got my paycheck my father died. He died in the fields. His pant leg got caught in the wheel of a tractor and bleed to death. The man that was with him waited too long to call the paramedics. I swore that i would avenge his death. I told this to my mother and she told me to forgive his stupidity. I never did forgive but i also never killed the idiot.

Here i am now in the land of opportunity. I met my wife about a year into my arrival. When i saw her i knew i was going to marry her. She was gorgeous and a little spit fire. I loved her, love her. We were so poor when we got married but happy. I've always worked hard and twenty five years later I'm still working hard. Maybe even harder then the construction job i had over 25 years ago, but now i sit in a house that i paid $1.3 million for. That is now worth $878'000. I have two kids and still the same wife. A huge BMW that i don't really need. It just sits on the parking lot of my business. My 20 year old son has no idea what hard work really is. I was probably to soft on him, never really around for the discipline. My daughter is up in Portland. I wonder when she will be done with college. I sit and I ponder if my father would be proud of me. My mother died about five years ago. I flew her out so that she could see what i was doing for the past 27 years. I think she was proud. She didn't really say much. Is this it? Is this the great American dream? I have three mortgages, three car payments, a dog, and the everyday constant stress, can i continue to provide for my family. Hey dad are you proud of me?

pensive

I've been thinking a lot about what i would write in my first blog spot or what the main purpose of my blog would be...lame yes i know. I am pretty lame and it's not like anyone is going to read this anyway, but i really want to think of something reel ( yea i spelled it that way !! REEL is right) good to write about. The reason that i even thought of doing this is because one of friends was telling me about his and i found in quite interesting, and at times i just need an outlet for my ridiculous thoughts, actions, and feelings. So here i go. Please do not hesitate to tell me what you think about my ideas, thoughts, and lame stories.

My phone rings the voice says " did you get another parking ticket?" i really have to think about this one cause yes i have accumulated about 30-40 parking tickets since i have lived here in Portland and well me forgetting about yet another parking ticket seems like something i would do. Portland's downtown area is not very big, exciting, or really filled with many people, but the city of Portland's parking enforcement is very diligent. Go over by one minute and you will see a neon envelope enclosed with "you owe us $24.00 pay up." " I don't remember" i said " Is something wrong with you? Don't you learn your lesson?" If you haven't already figured out the voice on the phone is my mother. She's a controlling freak and any chance she gets she will make it a point to make you feel like shit. Why you might say is your mother asking you about a parking ticket? You are 26 years old. Yea i fucking know this. I am not responsible, can't take of myself and still working on a bachelors degree. I'm pathetic. The car is not in my name so any ticket that I neglect, well gets sent to my parents house. I still get fucking parking tickers, fall in love with the wrong people over and over again. Maybe not love but infatuation. I haven't learned my lesson with all kinds of things. Other than the parking tickets here is an example of how i really don't learn my lesson. I haven't seen him in about six months seemingly enough time to get over all the shit that happened between us and the rejection i felt. It was a little hot, well hot for me i live Portland. Anything over 75 degrees is too hot for me. A nice walk and a 20 minute subway ride later we emerge in the middle of downtown L.A. We converse making sure we don't bring up any of the subjects that fucked everything up in the first place. We eat. He pays. I make sure to say thank you. How is it that everything got so screwed up? i think to myself we got along so well and still do. The entire time in his presence i feel nervous, fuzzy, and a longing to hold his hand and all that great mushy lovey dovey stuff. I'm rib-eye he's the semi vegetarian that is looking at me with gluttonous eyes and a watery mouth. "No we can't i say, "or i can't." Of course he can but i can't. I'm just a fuck but to me he is everything i want in a man but can't have. What would be the point. I would like to think of myself as more than just an animal but am i really? Should i just give in? One lesson that i did learn from my crazy momma is "no" and i say no even though i really want to say yes. I know what yes comes with. See most people think I'm a pretty chill easy going girl, but I'm really not. I'm obsessive and way too emotional when it comes to males. i get attached and it's very sad how obsessed i get. "NO NO NO" i say. "Did you just come here to do this?" "To see if yo can just get me back?" I can't even respond to this. Biggest insult of my life. Then i think about it. What was the reason? Why would i drive 30 minutes to see this guy? Obviously to get fucked. Logical men and women say yes. Why else? Because i missed him and i cherish anytime that i can spend with him. Can i really blame him for thinking that. No i can't. He went through his physical pain and now i go through my emotional pain. I deserve to feel this way. I deserve not to be talked to and treated like i don't matter because i can't even imagine the many times i made him feel unimportant with my actions. I now sit and day dream awaiting a phone call that will never come and a opportunity for us to be a couple again that will never happen. I know i should of stayed away in the first place, but no mom it doesn't seem like i have learned my lesson at all.