Spider Webs

I almost gave in. I almost dialed. Weekends are hard for me, seeing that i have no money, I'm anchored to the homestead. After surfing the web for hours and watching movies I get anxious and bored. I can't take anymore rejection for the moment.

The good thing is that I'm learning patience and ignoring the anxious, compulsive, and insecure part of my personality. I knew that whatever would of happened wouldn't of been conducive. I would of started to go over every detail and part of our conversation that is if you decided to take my phone call. I would of tried to decipher all words for secret meanings... do you still care about me? are u seeing someone? why didn't you make me your girlfriend?
Sometimes its best not to even ask those questions if your scared of the answers. Its like asking a lover about their past lovers, and how many they've had. I will never ask, too scared too insecure.
Ignoring me is probably one of the worst things you could ever do to me. I would rather be told to fuck off then to be ignored. So tell me. Tell me to fuck off.

Sometimes

After a while of rejection and nothing good coming my way i started to think that i wasn't going to get any kind of break. Life's kicking my ass. I have no money at all. I just had to sell a bunch of dvd's for some cash and i have no leads or call backs on jobs. So i've been feeling pretty gloomy. The one thing that makes me happy and gets my mind off all the bullshit is swimming, but even that has been a bit of a challenge. I've been swimming at this new club for about a month without paying any fees hoping that the scholarship that i applied for would be approved. Well just this morning i got an email saying that i was approved for all the coaching fees and membership fees. I'm sooo happy. It just made my week. It doesn't really help with my money situation but it does show that there are some good people out there willing to help you out and that see potential in you.

P.s the picture above is of Summer Sanders. When i was a kid i wanted to be just like her. She was in the Olympics and that was my dream. To swim in the PAN-AMS and the Olympics. Well i'm a little to old for that and a little to slow but it's still an inspiration.

ner·vous

I'm usually nervous, apprehensive, and feel guilty about school, but school is over. I don't have to go to the library, meet with any group members, or work on any papers. The usual suspect is dormant, but now im bored with nothing really to do and nothing to really look forward to.
I've been thinking about what home means to me. I use to always consider home as southern california, but now i see it as a nuisance and a problem that i now have to deal with. How is it a problem? Portland is now my home. I enjoy the lifestyle and people. weird coming from a girl that was obsessed with driving a Bentley, wanting to own a Ferrari and wanting fake breasts within a couple of years.
I feel bad for making my life here with my family down there. I can't tell my parents. they would be heartbroken, crushed that i would even think of staying here after graduation. The end is looming, and i don't mean death by any means, but growing up. The time is near and im fucking nervous.

kay

I'm okay and feeling much better. I'm pretty smart to. I just got an "A" in my finance class, a "B+" in my Consumer behavior class, and a "B+" in my Real Estate Development class. I'm stoked that is a 3.55 grade point average. I'm damn smart!! Now if only i could get a job, a boy to like me that i like as well and everything would be just perfect. Probably not but maybe....

creeper

i feel sick, hungry, confused and useless
i have nothing to do but sit and surf the web
im lazy but i really have nothing to do
i iced my eyes
hasn't helped with any kind of motivation

there's a buzzing coming from the street
im glad i wasn't awoken by it
i would feel so much better if i would just get up

i just realized that i could sit here for hours and hours without anyone knowing
i could sit here for days and avoid all contact from the outside
i could watch reuters, and hulu for as long as i wanted
and not a single person would know how creepy i am

This one's for you

Where did you go?
You've almost completely disappeared from the face of this earth.
Reading and electronic correspondence was the only way i knew you were still alive
I don't even have that now
What's happened?

Alone and nomadic as always
Leaving your mark without a care

Did you move from the arid to the tropical?
Will i ever here from you again?
Will you pop out of nowhere in a couple of months with stories of distant lands?

I've been thinking about this for a while and have wanted to post it for some time but never really found the time. Its not like i have tons of time now but it seems appropriate. I read this and i thought of you. So here it is. It's part of a book called Paris Trance.

Oh the paradox of nomadism
You keep moving because you're searching for a place to stay
Once you realize you can live in other countries you never feel quite settled again
You never feel quite content
But the idea is to feel at home anywhere and everywhere
The final thing above all is to be at home in yourself

pulling my hair out

So i'm really damn stressed. finals are lumming papers are due, and im trying to stay healthy. It's not working out for me. I started swimming again competitively, and i really like it. I can't really put my finger on why it makes me feel so good but it does. Saying that there was practice this morning and i really wanted to go to. Only problem is that it is at 5:15 in the morning which means i wake up at 4:30. I was all psyched last night. got all my stuff ready and went to bed relatively early.
I had really weird dreams about car detailing and guys that work there. I also dreamt that i was back in Italy eating Gelato. That part was wonderful.
4Am rolls around and there's no way in hell i'm getting myself up. As much as i fear getting fat my body just needed the rest.
So it is now 8am i have to write a paper about financial planning. I have a final tomorrow that i don't even know how to study for. I have a group power point presentation that none of us know what to do with, and i have no food in my fridge and no means to buy anything. All i got is spinach, coffee, and beans. I'm gonna try and live on that for the next week in half.
Oh and i almost forgot i have to pay the electric bill. Fuck me!