to throw a pall over

I want to take a breath but can't
It burns
I'm almost choking
The action of convulsion almost takes over
I stop myself
Just a little more i tell myself
Just a few more seconds and then
A quick breath just to let my brain know not to shut anything down
I exhale to keep the burning and liquid from seeping in
My arms begin to drag
Like a wind mill but with no power
A motorboat i think
Flutter like a motor boat
Your legs will carry you through
But they don't
I've been cut off
I'm not strong enough
I reach i twist
I extend as far as i can
My chest moves up and down
My lungs act as if it's the last breath they will ever take
I try to catch my myself
In through your nose and out through your mouth i keep thinking
And then
Again, and again, and again
The process of almost choking and limbs losing control starts again
But i return day after day
Why is it?
Why is it that i return to the anguish and pain, and disheartening?

i wish you would show me that side of yourself
i've known you for too long to keep secrets
i'm sorry that you have to feign our and your existence
i will finally show you empathy even after all the berating
there's no hiding anymore
i'm getting close