pensive

I've been thinking a lot about what i would write in my first blog spot or what the main purpose of my blog would be...lame yes i know. I am pretty lame and it's not like anyone is going to read this anyway, but i really want to think of something reel ( yea i spelled it that way !! REEL is right) good to write about. The reason that i even thought of doing this is because one of friends was telling me about his and i found in quite interesting, and at times i just need an outlet for my ridiculous thoughts, actions, and feelings. So here i go. Please do not hesitate to tell me what you think about my ideas, thoughts, and lame stories.

My phone rings the voice says " did you get another parking ticket?" i really have to think about this one cause yes i have accumulated about 30-40 parking tickets since i have lived here in Portland and well me forgetting about yet another parking ticket seems like something i would do. Portland's downtown area is not very big, exciting, or really filled with many people, but the city of Portland's parking enforcement is very diligent. Go over by one minute and you will see a neon envelope enclosed with "you owe us $24.00 pay up." " I don't remember" i said " Is something wrong with you? Don't you learn your lesson?" If you haven't already figured out the voice on the phone is my mother. She's a controlling freak and any chance she gets she will make it a point to make you feel like shit. Why you might say is your mother asking you about a parking ticket? You are 26 years old. Yea i fucking know this. I am not responsible, can't take of myself and still working on a bachelors degree. I'm pathetic. The car is not in my name so any ticket that I neglect, well gets sent to my parents house. I still get fucking parking tickers, fall in love with the wrong people over and over again. Maybe not love but infatuation. I haven't learned my lesson with all kinds of things. Other than the parking tickets here is an example of how i really don't learn my lesson. I haven't seen him in about six months seemingly enough time to get over all the shit that happened between us and the rejection i felt. It was a little hot, well hot for me i live Portland. Anything over 75 degrees is too hot for me. A nice walk and a 20 minute subway ride later we emerge in the middle of downtown L.A. We converse making sure we don't bring up any of the subjects that fucked everything up in the first place. We eat. He pays. I make sure to say thank you. How is it that everything got so screwed up? i think to myself we got along so well and still do. The entire time in his presence i feel nervous, fuzzy, and a longing to hold his hand and all that great mushy lovey dovey stuff. I'm rib-eye he's the semi vegetarian that is looking at me with gluttonous eyes and a watery mouth. "No we can't i say, "or i can't." Of course he can but i can't. I'm just a fuck but to me he is everything i want in a man but can't have. What would be the point. I would like to think of myself as more than just an animal but am i really? Should i just give in? One lesson that i did learn from my crazy momma is "no" and i say no even though i really want to say yes. I know what yes comes with. See most people think I'm a pretty chill easy going girl, but I'm really not. I'm obsessive and way too emotional when it comes to males. i get attached and it's very sad how obsessed i get. "NO NO NO" i say. "Did you just come here to do this?" "To see if yo can just get me back?" I can't even respond to this. Biggest insult of my life. Then i think about it. What was the reason? Why would i drive 30 minutes to see this guy? Obviously to get fucked. Logical men and women say yes. Why else? Because i missed him and i cherish anytime that i can spend with him. Can i really blame him for thinking that. No i can't. He went through his physical pain and now i go through my emotional pain. I deserve to feel this way. I deserve not to be talked to and treated like i don't matter because i can't even imagine the many times i made him feel unimportant with my actions. I now sit and day dream awaiting a phone call that will never come and a opportunity for us to be a couple again that will never happen. I know i should of stayed away in the first place, but no mom it doesn't seem like i have learned my lesson at all.