For a second there...

i thought it was you. The same pretty face, pensive eyes, same shoulders, and body. For a second there i couldn't breathe, my heart jumped into my throat. I thought for a second you had read my thoughts. Maybe you knew how much i still wanted to see you, maybe you felt how much i miss talking to you, and then reality struck.
Why would you be at a pool in Portland? You hate Portland. Why would you be surrounded by screaming kids? It's amazing the thoughts and feelings that come into mind within a split second.
It doesn't matter. I know what you have going and i know how you feel. Your tone and the sound of impatience from our last conversation still echoes in my ear, it still stings. The tone and irritation acts like an infection, crawls into my brain , catches a ride with a red blood cell, and travels south to my heart and takes refuge. It doesn't spread it's milder than i thought, but it's still implanted there. An implantation that i don't want. It causes problems, hallucinations of you being in a pool surrounded by children.

body poisoned

I'm sorry body, i've just poisoned you. All that fat is now being digested and pumped into all the major organs. I'm sorry that i do this to you. I'm sorry i don't take better care of you. I have tried and succeeded for a bit, but time, people, things have bogged me down. Now i feel forced and driven to hurting you. Sometimes i can't stop and find myself faced stuffed and crumbs stuck to the side of my mouth and face. I look around to see if there are any witnesses but there are none. Thank God, i am the only one that has to see myself in this gluttonous state. I will now excrete the poison and tomorrow is a new day. With many new possibilities to make you better and stronger.

to throw a pall over

I want to take a breath but can't
It burns
I'm almost choking
The action of convulsion almost takes over
I stop myself
Just a little more i tell myself
Just a few more seconds and then
A quick breath just to let my brain know not to shut anything down
I exhale to keep the burning and liquid from seeping in
My arms begin to drag
Like a wind mill but with no power
A motorboat i think
Flutter like a motor boat
Your legs will carry you through
But they don't
I've been cut off
I'm not strong enough
I reach i twist
I extend as far as i can
My chest moves up and down
My lungs act as if it's the last breath they will ever take
I try to catch my myself
In through your nose and out through your mouth i keep thinking
And then
Again, and again, and again
The process of almost choking and limbs losing control starts again
But i return day after day
Why is it?
Why is it that i return to the anguish and pain, and disheartening?

i wish you would show me that side of yourself
i've known you for too long to keep secrets
i'm sorry that you have to feign our and your existence
i will finally show you empathy even after all the berating
there's no hiding anymore
i'm getting close

Spider Webs

I almost gave in. I almost dialed. Weekends are hard for me, seeing that i have no money, I'm anchored to the homestead. After surfing the web for hours and watching movies I get anxious and bored. I can't take anymore rejection for the moment.

The good thing is that I'm learning patience and ignoring the anxious, compulsive, and insecure part of my personality. I knew that whatever would of happened wouldn't of been conducive. I would of started to go over every detail and part of our conversation that is if you decided to take my phone call. I would of tried to decipher all words for secret meanings... do you still care about me? are u seeing someone? why didn't you make me your girlfriend?
Sometimes its best not to even ask those questions if your scared of the answers. Its like asking a lover about their past lovers, and how many they've had. I will never ask, too scared too insecure.
Ignoring me is probably one of the worst things you could ever do to me. I would rather be told to fuck off then to be ignored. So tell me. Tell me to fuck off.

Sometimes

After a while of rejection and nothing good coming my way i started to think that i wasn't going to get any kind of break. Life's kicking my ass. I have no money at all. I just had to sell a bunch of dvd's for some cash and i have no leads or call backs on jobs. So i've been feeling pretty gloomy. The one thing that makes me happy and gets my mind off all the bullshit is swimming, but even that has been a bit of a challenge. I've been swimming at this new club for about a month without paying any fees hoping that the scholarship that i applied for would be approved. Well just this morning i got an email saying that i was approved for all the coaching fees and membership fees. I'm sooo happy. It just made my week. It doesn't really help with my money situation but it does show that there are some good people out there willing to help you out and that see potential in you.

P.s the picture above is of Summer Sanders. When i was a kid i wanted to be just like her. She was in the Olympics and that was my dream. To swim in the PAN-AMS and the Olympics. Well i'm a little to old for that and a little to slow but it's still an inspiration.

ner·vous

I'm usually nervous, apprehensive, and feel guilty about school, but school is over. I don't have to go to the library, meet with any group members, or work on any papers. The usual suspect is dormant, but now im bored with nothing really to do and nothing to really look forward to.
I've been thinking about what home means to me. I use to always consider home as southern california, but now i see it as a nuisance and a problem that i now have to deal with. How is it a problem? Portland is now my home. I enjoy the lifestyle and people. weird coming from a girl that was obsessed with driving a Bentley, wanting to own a Ferrari and wanting fake breasts within a couple of years.
I feel bad for making my life here with my family down there. I can't tell my parents. they would be heartbroken, crushed that i would even think of staying here after graduation. The end is looming, and i don't mean death by any means, but growing up. The time is near and im fucking nervous.