Shiteous

When did I become so fucking lame?
I can't write a single creative funny sentence.
There is no feeling.
I guess this is what happens when you get a job and responsibility strikes.
I need some Bukowski.
I'm gonna go get drunk and regret it tomorrow morning.
Oh yeah maybe this is it

"My ambition is handicapped by laziness"
ahhh maybe

I threw everything away that you gave me along with all the memories, all going to a big huge fill with like items of past love. I do have a confession, I kept a birthday card to remind me that once a long time ago someone like yourself loved me. I can see glimpses of you happiness now and i feel lost. Not that I'm envious but sad that I don't have your spirit of detachment. I wish I had learned when I was close to you but now I have to look and study from a far.

nueve-cinco

Its 71 degrees exactly
I'm not use to the consistency
my eyes are burning as red as christmas
can eyes blister? cause mine feel like their going to pop

I'm being efficient and pro-active
contributing to society
but insides want to be out
want to yell and scream
this is me grown up
this is me 9-5

hi bob

On the regular I'm enticed to send you a little something, but then i go over the last email you sent me. Telling me how happy you are, how everything is going so well for you in your new relationship, how things have changed and how i need to look into my mean ways. It almost makes me want to vomit. Maybe I'm one of those people that's disgusted by other people's happiness because mine keeps eluding me. What i want is for you to curb your enthusiasm and come save me from this.

breathe

Its a weird feeling waking up and your sheets sticking to your bare legs and chest. Its hard to breath now in January. I can only imagine how bad it's going to get in April. I've been looking into getting a dehumidifier but they're too expensive so i let the air come in from outside. Contrary to what you might think. I like waking in my own sweat. I like to think that im burning some calories as i sleep and the sweat is the evidence.
There's a smell that lingers every once in a while if i don't let the northeast wind in. I don't notice to much when its just me but when i have someone here I can smell the stench just as i wake. Its not the good manly smell that i like to so weirdly stick my nose into when someone good is gone, but its a basket of dirty laundry in the corner kind of stench.
Every time i regret it, seems good the night before but the lingering stench in the morning reminds me to open the window and see you out.

Happy Birthday To ME!!!!

I'm fucking old, I make my way into Rite Aid to find the cheapest way to make my wrinkles disappear. I stare into the mirrors and convince myself " that was always there" No, it actually wasn't. I'm deathly afraid of aging. I always ask people their ages and compare my visible wrinkles to their visible wrinkles and tell my self that i look way better. I think the level of disillusion grows as you get older. I keep thinking some how that stuff will be magically reversed by sleeping just the right amount of hours, and not sipping on any more whisky. I've gotten so old that i don't even care if anyone remembers my birthday anymore. I use to shout it from the roof tops now i try to hide behind my hair. Shit, getting old sucks.

Patatas bravas

We walked all day, what seemed to be 10 or maybe even twenty miles. we were famished and looking for a good place to have a hearty meal. The occasion? Thanksgiving in Barcelona. We tried to see all the sites during the day of course, but we out did ourselves. what looked like short walks on the map turned into long misguided turns to streets we couldn't even find on our "guide to Barcelona", nonetheless we were determined. we had our end goal in sight and that was a feast.being typical Americans we got back to out meeting point just at the right time to have our dinner, our feast. sadly we found that everything was closed and would reopen in a couple of hours. So we kept walking, surely something would be open. We found a little cafe our typical American fantasy of a feast was minimized to patatas bravas, paellas, and vino tinto, It was delicious. probably one of the best Thanksgiving meals i had ever had. The company, setting, and just the people and culture around made it one of the best experiences of my life. Sorry America, BBQ, gravy, mashed potatoes, and turkey just don't cut it for me anymore.

Flashbacks of a Life Once Lived

Its as if i was living in a parallel universe. i might as well had of been seeing where i am now. Putting up with things and people that i cant stand but do because loneliness takes over.



I once lived in a place where i could get one of the best bottles of wine for 5 dollars or a cappuccino for $1.50. A place filled with so much history and culture. It was all around, I could touch it with my fingers and see it with my eyes. It was in the buildings, in the color of the food and inside the vino rosso. I could even hear the pride of their culture in their tongues. It's been a year since i've lived in my paradise. To say that i miss being there is an understatement. I hope to return but in the meantime here are some pictures to hold me over. The picture right above is of my old roommates and I in a square in Firenze, Italia.

For a second there...

i thought it was you. The same pretty face, pensive eyes, same shoulders, and body. For a second there i couldn't breathe, my heart jumped into my throat. I thought for a second you had read my thoughts. Maybe you knew how much i still wanted to see you, maybe you felt how much i miss talking to you, and then reality struck.
Why would you be at a pool in Portland? You hate Portland. Why would you be surrounded by screaming kids? It's amazing the thoughts and feelings that come into mind within a split second.
It doesn't matter. I know what you have going and i know how you feel. Your tone and the sound of impatience from our last conversation still echoes in my ear, it still stings. The tone and irritation acts like an infection, crawls into my brain , catches a ride with a red blood cell, and travels south to my heart and takes refuge. It doesn't spread it's milder than i thought, but it's still implanted there. An implantation that i don't want. It causes problems, hallucinations of you being in a pool surrounded by children.

body poisoned

I'm sorry body, i've just poisoned you. All that fat is now being digested and pumped into all the major organs. I'm sorry that i do this to you. I'm sorry i don't take better care of you. I have tried and succeeded for a bit, but time, people, things have bogged me down. Now i feel forced and driven to hurting you. Sometimes i can't stop and find myself faced stuffed and crumbs stuck to the side of my mouth and face. I look around to see if there are any witnesses but there are none. Thank God, i am the only one that has to see myself in this gluttonous state. I will now excrete the poison and tomorrow is a new day. With many new possibilities to make you better and stronger.

to throw a pall over

I want to take a breath but can't
It burns
I'm almost choking
The action of convulsion almost takes over
I stop myself
Just a little more i tell myself
Just a few more seconds and then
A quick breath just to let my brain know not to shut anything down
I exhale to keep the burning and liquid from seeping in
My arms begin to drag
Like a wind mill but with no power
A motorboat i think
Flutter like a motor boat
Your legs will carry you through
But they don't
I've been cut off
I'm not strong enough
I reach i twist
I extend as far as i can
My chest moves up and down
My lungs act as if it's the last breath they will ever take
I try to catch my myself
In through your nose and out through your mouth i keep thinking
And then
Again, and again, and again
The process of almost choking and limbs losing control starts again
But i return day after day
Why is it?
Why is it that i return to the anguish and pain, and disheartening?

i wish you would show me that side of yourself
i've known you for too long to keep secrets
i'm sorry that you have to feign our and your existence
i will finally show you empathy even after all the berating
there's no hiding anymore
i'm getting close

Spider Webs

I almost gave in. I almost dialed. Weekends are hard for me, seeing that i have no money, I'm anchored to the homestead. After surfing the web for hours and watching movies I get anxious and bored. I can't take anymore rejection for the moment.

The good thing is that I'm learning patience and ignoring the anxious, compulsive, and insecure part of my personality. I knew that whatever would of happened wouldn't of been conducive. I would of started to go over every detail and part of our conversation that is if you decided to take my phone call. I would of tried to decipher all words for secret meanings... do you still care about me? are u seeing someone? why didn't you make me your girlfriend?
Sometimes its best not to even ask those questions if your scared of the answers. Its like asking a lover about their past lovers, and how many they've had. I will never ask, too scared too insecure.
Ignoring me is probably one of the worst things you could ever do to me. I would rather be told to fuck off then to be ignored. So tell me. Tell me to fuck off.

Sometimes

After a while of rejection and nothing good coming my way i started to think that i wasn't going to get any kind of break. Life's kicking my ass. I have no money at all. I just had to sell a bunch of dvd's for some cash and i have no leads or call backs on jobs. So i've been feeling pretty gloomy. The one thing that makes me happy and gets my mind off all the bullshit is swimming, but even that has been a bit of a challenge. I've been swimming at this new club for about a month without paying any fees hoping that the scholarship that i applied for would be approved. Well just this morning i got an email saying that i was approved for all the coaching fees and membership fees. I'm sooo happy. It just made my week. It doesn't really help with my money situation but it does show that there are some good people out there willing to help you out and that see potential in you.

P.s the picture above is of Summer Sanders. When i was a kid i wanted to be just like her. She was in the Olympics and that was my dream. To swim in the PAN-AMS and the Olympics. Well i'm a little to old for that and a little to slow but it's still an inspiration.

ner·vous

I'm usually nervous, apprehensive, and feel guilty about school, but school is over. I don't have to go to the library, meet with any group members, or work on any papers. The usual suspect is dormant, but now im bored with nothing really to do and nothing to really look forward to.
I've been thinking about what home means to me. I use to always consider home as southern california, but now i see it as a nuisance and a problem that i now have to deal with. How is it a problem? Portland is now my home. I enjoy the lifestyle and people. weird coming from a girl that was obsessed with driving a Bentley, wanting to own a Ferrari and wanting fake breasts within a couple of years.
I feel bad for making my life here with my family down there. I can't tell my parents. they would be heartbroken, crushed that i would even think of staying here after graduation. The end is looming, and i don't mean death by any means, but growing up. The time is near and im fucking nervous.

kay

I'm okay and feeling much better. I'm pretty smart to. I just got an "A" in my finance class, a "B+" in my Consumer behavior class, and a "B+" in my Real Estate Development class. I'm stoked that is a 3.55 grade point average. I'm damn smart!! Now if only i could get a job, a boy to like me that i like as well and everything would be just perfect. Probably not but maybe....

creeper

i feel sick, hungry, confused and useless
i have nothing to do but sit and surf the web
im lazy but i really have nothing to do
i iced my eyes
hasn't helped with any kind of motivation

there's a buzzing coming from the street
im glad i wasn't awoken by it
i would feel so much better if i would just get up

i just realized that i could sit here for hours and hours without anyone knowing
i could sit here for days and avoid all contact from the outside
i could watch reuters, and hulu for as long as i wanted
and not a single person would know how creepy i am

This one's for you

Where did you go?
You've almost completely disappeared from the face of this earth.
Reading and electronic correspondence was the only way i knew you were still alive
I don't even have that now
What's happened?

Alone and nomadic as always
Leaving your mark without a care

Did you move from the arid to the tropical?
Will i ever here from you again?
Will you pop out of nowhere in a couple of months with stories of distant lands?

I've been thinking about this for a while and have wanted to post it for some time but never really found the time. Its not like i have tons of time now but it seems appropriate. I read this and i thought of you. So here it is. It's part of a book called Paris Trance.

Oh the paradox of nomadism
You keep moving because you're searching for a place to stay
Once you realize you can live in other countries you never feel quite settled again
You never feel quite content
But the idea is to feel at home anywhere and everywhere
The final thing above all is to be at home in yourself

pulling my hair out

So i'm really damn stressed. finals are lumming papers are due, and im trying to stay healthy. It's not working out for me. I started swimming again competitively, and i really like it. I can't really put my finger on why it makes me feel so good but it does. Saying that there was practice this morning and i really wanted to go to. Only problem is that it is at 5:15 in the morning which means i wake up at 4:30. I was all psyched last night. got all my stuff ready and went to bed relatively early.
I had really weird dreams about car detailing and guys that work there. I also dreamt that i was back in Italy eating Gelato. That part was wonderful.
4Am rolls around and there's no way in hell i'm getting myself up. As much as i fear getting fat my body just needed the rest.
So it is now 8am i have to write a paper about financial planning. I have a final tomorrow that i don't even know how to study for. I have a group power point presentation that none of us know what to do with, and i have no food in my fridge and no means to buy anything. All i got is spinach, coffee, and beans. I'm gonna try and live on that for the next week in half.
Oh and i almost forgot i have to pay the electric bill. Fuck me!

oh heart

If i really wanted to, i could go back and make it work. I can tell by the tone in his voice and by the things he says. He's just as arrogant perhaps even more, but now pompous, and dramatic.
He says " you don't love him as much as you loved me"
I don't want to burst that bubble of his. It's what keeps him going, silly and ridiculous illusions.

I scared a suitor off. Just by fingering a few illuminated buttons. I don't really care. I probably did it on purpose, subconsciously while sipping on that sweet elixir that makes my head buzz.

I never scared him off even with 20 harassing phone calls within a hour lapse of time. He listened but also hurled insults which stung my ears.

It's okay, i'll continue to be irrational and sit in solitude. Accompanied only by memories of the past and the sweet conversations that we once had.